🔗 Share this article Those Phrases from My Dad That Saved Us as a Brand-New Parent "I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year." One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. Yet the truth soon proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo. "I handled all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained. Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help. The simple statement "You aren't in a good place. You require some help. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering. His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers go through. Asking for help is not weak to ask for help Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a wider reluctance to open up among men, who still internalise negative perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time." "It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies. Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult. They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - spending a couple of days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He realised he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby. When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out. Self-parenting That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices. The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse." Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games. Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is coping. Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your household. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional support he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings safely. Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."
"I believe I was simply in survival mode for the first year." One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of becoming a dad. Yet the truth soon proved to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo. "I handled all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained. Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help. The simple statement "You aren't in a good place. You require some help. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering. His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers go through. Asking for help is not weak to ask for help Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a wider reluctance to open up among men, who still internalise negative perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time." "It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies. Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult. They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household. Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - spending a couple of days away, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook. He realised he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby. When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out. Self-parenting That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood. He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices. The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four. When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt. "You gravitate to things that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse." Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games. Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is coping. Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your household. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional support he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings safely. Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."